What is War
by L0ve1sDead
Summary: During WW2: After Steve saves the division from HYDRA, he is immediately put to work doing everyday tasks for the unit. As the weeks go by, he expends his energy past the limits of his serum, eventually falling out. His commanding officer orders him to rest, and Bucky is tasked with looking after him while he recovers. No big deal...right? Stucky. Rated M. Please read A/N.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note** **:**

 **IF YOU READ BLOOD RUNS COLD DO NOT SKIP:**

 **Hi all, it's been a while I know, I'm sorry, I'm (14 weeks) pregnant and exhausted. I had a spark of an idea which I haven't experienced in weeks due to the severe writers block I've been having, but something finally came to me.**

 **I was looking over my skeleton a couple of nights ago for BRC and realized I fucked up so bad, that I actually have to rewrite starting from chapter 10, (to put that in perspective that's about 20,000+ words) edits will also be made to previous chapters so just keep your eyes peeled. The reviews will not make a whole lot of sense I am so sorry but I wasn't paying attention. This happened to me while I was writing Prelude years ago also.**

 **This is a short story, taking place in November 1944,**

 **There is a lot of use of ranking and military slang and so coming from a military family and being married to someone in the military I understand it but most do not, so here is a cheat sheet:**

 **NCO means noncommissioned officer, they're people who enlisted and rose through the ranks. They are E1-Private E2-Pv2 (private 2) E3-PFC (Private First Class) E4-SPC/CPL (specialist and corporal) (yes there are 2 e4 titles it goes SPC first and then you get your corporal but they are not the same, some people skip CPL and go straight to SGT) E5-SGT (sergeant, i.e. Bucky) E6-SSG (staff sergeant) there are more but that's as far as it goes for the enlistees in this story…onto the officers.**

 **O1 2 LT-(Second Lieutenant) (the enlistees call these people 'butter bars' because they are usually very new have one gold bar as their rank, you would NEVER say that to their faces though because they are officers) O2 1LT (First Lieutenant) O3 CPT-Captain (Steve) O4 MAJ (Major) O5 LTC (lieutenant colonel) O6 COL (Colonel) again, there are more but that's all the officers in the story as well.**

 **There are only 4 chapters but it does contain Rated M content, use of vulgar language towards the LGBTQ community (because that's how they talked in the 1940's), and some foreshadowing. Enjoy.**

* * *

Steve's eyes snapped open, his mother's voice fading back as the noise of his unit rose in the morning rush.

"Rogers!" Lieutenant Colonel Miles, a commanding officer 2 ranks above Steve roared in the cold morning air outside his tent. "It's 0530 hours I want to see you at the briefing in 15."

Steve sat up quickly, grimacing as he was stiff and sore from all the work they'd been doing. "I'll be there in 10 sir." He slowly rose from the frozen ground, pushing the warm, heavy wool blanket off of him. He wanted to curl back up and go to sleep, but in the Army, sleep was a luxury, and a scarce one at war. Steve bundled up in his cold weather gear and stepped outside, grunting slightly at his sore muscles. His head throbbed, he felt sluggish, and very, very cold. Steve could only remember this feeling from being sick at various times in his childhood, but Dr. Erskine said that it would be very rare for him to get sick after the serum. He crossed his arms to keep warm and made his way to the large officer's tent, prompting his soldiers, especially his privates and sergeants, awake as he walked by their tents.

He entered the tent and sat down, reading the orders from the White House that had been given, he always liked to be ahead of the briefing. "Good morning Captain." Major Reed handed him a hot cup of coffee, "You look like you need this." Major Reed was always chipper, he had a lot of respect for both Steve and Bucky, as he was Bucky's commanding officer if something couldn't be settled with an NCO.

"Thank you, sir." Steve graciously accepted the cup of fresh joe. Taking a sip, he reviewed the orders again, relieved as the warmth spread down his chest and into his stomach. A rough slap and grip of his shoulders almost made him spill.

"Ready for another day of lifting Rogers? My hands were so cold yesterday I thought they were going to fall off!" A deep, masculine voice spoke and sat down beside him.

Laughter erupted from behind Steve, as someone else entered the tent "Yeah well you're not all juiced up, with all due respect Colonel Stewart." A man named Daniel "Dirty Dan" Edwards, who was also a Major.

LTC Miles, who had woken Steve up followed shortly after Edwards. "Who we waiting for?" His southern accent broke through.

"Colonel Jefferson." COL Stewart replied. "Prolly getting his panties on."

More laughter erupted from the group of men, Steve, being the lowest ranking officer at the table sat quietly. He just didn't find that talk funny for some reason, or maybe he was just shy. He was an outcast at school and in society for his size, and now he was here, a science experiment, sitting amongst Majors and Colonels; he was commanding whole squads, it still didn't feel…real. Steve took another sip of his coffee, again enjoying the warm flow to his cold, sore body.

COL Jefferson waltzed in, looking pissed off about something. "President needs to grow some testicles. He announced, he wants us to 'stay put' instead of advancing further in. He'd rather send that lab rat and his squad in then there than perfectly capable men in high numbers." He motioned to Steve when he said 'lab rat', Steve refused eye contact.

"Come on Jefferson, don't be such an ass. He's just a kid." COL Stewart stepped in. "Besides, those perfectly capable men would all be dead if it weren't for him."

Steve wasn't a kid, he was 24, but compared to all these 40, 50 year old commanding officers.

"I don't need kids, I need MEN!" COL Jefferson slammed his hand down on the table. "And that freak of nature wants to come here, play hero and then not do jack shit except show off carrying everything around."

"Who pissed in _your_ coffee?" A voice broke the uncomfortable silence. The officers whipped around to see Sergeant James Barnes standing, letter in hand. "This is for you Major Reed; I was ordered to give it to you immediately."

Major Reed accepted the letter, but not after giving Bucky a disapproving look.

"What did you say to me boy?" An angry COL Jefferson spat.

"I said-"

"I'll reprimand him sir, don't you worry." MAJ Reed cut him off. "He's going to be damn near miserable today."

The COL nodded, lighting a cigarette. Steve looked at Bucky with disbelief, he knew his friend always looked out for him but talking like that to a superior officer was so far out of line, it was unacceptable. COL Jefferson was a jerk, no doubt, but it was something Steve had started to grow hardened to, especially after being forced to be around him all the time. He guessed Bucky didn't know that, or maybe he just didn't care.

"I'm sorry sir, I'll work harder." Steve apologized, even though every day was cold, agonizing, and stretching Steve past his limits. He was tired, but so was everyone else.

"You know, you may be strong, but you're as dumb as a brick Rogers. I need intelligent men at this table so you can go ahead and start moving supplies. We'll take care of the adult business. I don't have time for this." COL Jefferson shooed at him like a fly.

Steve felt the heat of anger, embarrassment, and shame flow to his face. "Yes sir. Sorry sir."

"What the hell is your problem?" Bucky had near halfway left before turning back around and meeting the Colonel in the eyes. "He hasn't done shit to you 'cept follow every order and cater to your every little whim. Maybe _he_ doesn't have time for jealous little bitches like you."

The colonel sat in shock before anger took over. "Boy I outta dump you in the snowbank like them Nazi's!"

"Come on then!" Bucky charged at him.

All the officers stood, and MAJ Reed pushed his NCO back a little. "Sergeant Barnes! Stand down, that's an order!"

Bucky didn't listen, instead he charged again, but this time Steve grabbed him and held him in place, despite Bucky swearing and fighting to get out of his grip. "Buck! That's enough." Steve dragged him out of the tent, "Come on."

Bucky yelled one last swear word at the Colonel before yanking his arm out of Steve's grip and spitting on the ground. "Piece of fuckin' work he is."

"What has gotten _into_ you lately?" Steve nudged him irritably. "You were always so respectful of your commanding officers."

"Not wife beaters like him." Bucky shook his head, nodding at some of his lower enlistees as they walked by, "And not people who treat you like that. He'll never have my respect." Bucky furrowed his brow, "Private Turner, put your rifle away before you shoot somebody holdin' it like that! Did they teach you _anything_ in basic?" He scolded.

"No sir they did not." PVT Turner put his rifle down with a goofy grin, he was a skinnier guy, probably mid-twenties with brown hair that had been buzz cut.

"I believe it." Bucky muttered as he and Steve passed by. "You know you're always welcome at the NCO's table."

Steve smiled briefly. "I know, but I got to get started on the supplies."

"You know, it's funny. He acts like he wants you to do something other than haul stuff, but then he orders you to haul stuff. What are you supposed to do?" Bucky pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

"I don't know Buck." Steve shook his head. Bucky offered him one, but Steve declined, remembering the asthma attack he had the last time he tried one. He probably didn't have asthma anymore after the serum, but he didn't want to test it.

Steve made his way to the supply trailer and began lifting the boxes, moving them to the supply tent where they'd be opened and sorted through later. After about 10 minutes he heard a voice. "Let me help you with that, Captain." A familiar voice piped. Major Reed ran up beside him and began to help. "Barnes!" He called.

"Sir! I was just finishing this light." Bucky put out his cigarette and went to help also. "So how much trouble am I in?"

"Colonel wants you dishonorably discharged, but we're so low on men, it's not going to happen. You just need to lay low for a while, Barnes. He'll move on. Always does. Being a Colonel is hard work, especially right now. Washington is up his ass for every little thing." MAJ Reed explained.

"I understand that sir, but there's no need to treat Steve like that. Especially after what he's done." Bucky argued.

"I agree, but it's not my place to say. He's my commanding officer also." The Major sighed.

Steve picked up box after box, never breaking a sweat, always feeling colder and colder. The super soldier went to go pick up a medium size load, nothing new but…he couldn't. He was straining.

"Are you okay?" Bucky helped him, carrying most of the weight. Concern spread across his face, why was Steve suddenly unable to lift it?

"Yeah Buck…I'm just-" Steve collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

The lower enlistees saw this and all came running, huddling around the officer.

"Space! Give him space!" The major ordered. He and Bucky kneeled beside him.

A man they all called Staff Sergeant Brown, a heavier set man, broke through. He was adept in emergency medical care and he already had his kit with him. "What happened?" He joined the kneeling men.

"He just…fell." Bucky explained. "He was having trouble carrying one of the supply boxes, it wasn't even a big one."

SSGT Brown stuck a thermometer in his mouth after he determined Steve was breathing and his heart was beating okay. "Mhmm." He nodded, "Just what I thought. He's running 102 degrees."

"He caught the flu or somethin'?" Bucky asked.

"Nah, he's just exhausted. He's been overworked." SSGT Brown determined. "He needs time to rest."

"Get him to his tent." Major Reed ordered. "He's got the rest of the day off, I'm going to talk to LCT Miles and the others."

"Yes sir." Bucky, SSGT Brown and a few others helped to lift the 220-pound man and carry him to the sleeping quarters. All the while, Bucky had half a mind to follow Major Reed and cuss the whole officer tent out. Could he really blame them though; this is what it was like to be in the US Army. They pushed everyone until they either died or passed out. Steve got the nice end of the stick compared to some.

They carefully laid him down inside his tent. The tent wasn't large, made for one or two but somehow, ten or eleven people managed to fit in there, trying to see what was going on.

"We need to strip him, he needs to cool off." SSGT Brown

"It's barely 9 degrees out here!" One of the privates protested.

"Not all the way, doofus, just his shirt." The burly man carefully removed his weather gear on the upper half, revealing a beautifully built chest and near chiseled abdomen.

Someone wolf whistled, "If I were queer I'd be _all_ over that." Laughter exploded from the lower enlistees.

SSGT Brown just shook his head at them. "Sergeant Barnes, you're his buddy, can you keep an eye on em?"

Bucky was so suddenly lost in Steve's physique he almost didn't answer. "Y-yes sir." He caught himself in his gaze, "Of course sir. Do I need to do anything to care for him?"

"When he wakes up, take his temperature," He handed Bucky the thermometer, "if it's gone down to 99 he can have his shirt back, if not, keep it off. Make sure he's drinking lots of water, when chow time comes around, in about 45 minutes, I'll bring you your meals. After hearing about what you said to the Colonel this morning, it's probably safe if you _both_ stay in here." He gave Bucky a disapproving sigh. "You're better than that, Barnes."

"Yes sir." Bucky replied solemnly.

"That was you who cussed out the Colonel! Good. I fucking hate that guy!" PVT Turner said.

"Who doesn't" someone else added.

"Hey!" SSGT Brown looked over him. "We need to respect chain of command no matter how much we don't like someone. That's how we survive out here, by following directions. Now everyone out. Leave them be."

The tent emptied out and Bucky took a deep breath, it was getting stuffy. He sat next to his friend, studying him again. His dirty blonde hair, those beautiful long, dark eyelashes Bucky had always loved. It was still little Steve, just bigger. Bucky carefully laid a hand on one of his pecs, running his fingers across it, feeling the muscular structure that was once just a flat chest. Bucky felt something…odd and unfamiliar. His heart raced and blood rushed down further and further until he felt himself hardening. Uncomfortable, and shame filled, he tried to get his mind off of whatever was making him feel like this, he wasn't sure. He convinced himself it was just a random testosterone surge, there were no women in this camp, he hadn't seen a woman in a long, long, time. Everyone missed the touch of a woman.

20 minutes later, Bucky had started falling asleep against the equipment chest behind him when Steve stirred. Bucky's eyes snapped back open, "Steve."

He watched as his friend's gorgeous blue eyes fluttered open and focused. "Wh-where am I?"

"You're in your quarters, you passed out." Bucky explained.

"It's freezing." He shivered. "What happened to my shirt?"

"You're running a temperature." Bucky reached for the thermometer and stuck it in his friend's mouth. After a minute, Bucky read 100 degrees. "You can put your shirt on in a bit."

Steve took a breath, "Everything hurts." He complained.

"Why didn't you tell Major Reed or Lieutenant Colonel Miles or someone you were this tired?" Bucky inquired. "Steve, you collapsed from exhaustion."

"I don't want to be a whiner. I'm Captain America for God's sake, I have way more stamina then these guys I shouldn't _be_ tired."

"Everyone has their limits; you've been at it full force for six weeks, Steve." Bucky sympathized. "Come on now."

"Are you going to get in trouble for being in here?" The super soldier asked. "Because you've already gotten in enough trouble today."

"Major Reed and Staff Sergeant Brown want me to keep off of his radar. Plus, I've been ordered to take care of you." He shifted against the chest.

Steve looked a bit embarrassed, kind of like when Bucky would kick the bullies away from him.

"I don't mind it." Bucky smiled gently at him. "You've been taking care of me since you've gotten here."

"I thought they killed you." Steve slowly sat up. "I'm just keeping an eye out."

Bucky became lost again as his back and chest muscles moved with him. Steve met his eyes. "You alright?"

Bucky was abruptly thrown out of his gaze again, thrusting a canteen of freezing cold water, almost ice, to Steve. "Drink. You need water."

Steve took the canteen reluctantly and took a sip, shivering as it went down. He missed his coffee. "Can I put a shirt on now?"

"Fine."

Steve bundled back up a little, feeling better. For another 20 minutes, the two exchanged conversation until SSGT Brown came out with two steaming hot plates of breakfast piled to the top. "Not sure how much you boys eat, but private Garfield got some boys together and they actually cooked breakfast themselves using their mother's recipes or something, here ya go. Hope it's good."

Steve and Bucky graciously accepted the food. They were used to 'meat stew' and hard bread biscuits in the morning, this was a nice change.

"Got you guys coffee too, it's very hot so watch out." He had 2 medium size canteens strapped to him, coffee inside. "Steve, I know your metabolism is quick, so if you're still hungry let me know, I'll see what I can do. I ain't gonna starve ya like the colonel, you need all the nutrition you can get right now. We need you." He winked and left the tent.

Steve hated all the special treatment he got, but SSGT Brown was right. He needed more calories than the average man to function. Steve didn't know how hungry he was until he took the first bite, the scrambled eggs seemed to melt in his mouth and the savory cheese took him back to New York's finest pizza. The biscuits were warm today, and much softer. He spread a packet of jelly across one and took a bite, enjoying the sweetness of blackberry. Again, he let the coffee warm him up, grateful that he could enjoy it in peace this time.

The food was so good, the two men didn't even speak to each other. Bucky took a drink of his coffee, wondering why his heart was beating so fast again at the sight of his friend. He watched as Steve ate hungrily, watched his tired blue eyes focused on the meal in front of him. He was weary. The men in this division saw a big, strong, super soldier, but no matter how hard Bucky tried to look at him that way, all he saw was little Steve. Bucky felt something come over him, he wanted to…touch him. He had to be close to him, protect him, comfort him. He wasn't sure from what.

Steve sensed something was off and looked over at him. Bucky was staring at the ground, he looked upset by something. "Bucky."

The name flowed off of his friend's lips like honey. Bucky closed his eyes. He just wanted to hear him say it again.

"Bucky, hey." Steve put a hand on his friend's leg and shook him a little, like he was trying to wake him up. "Are you ok?"

Bucky opened his eyes and met Steve's cloudy blue ones. "I'm sleepy."

"The food was that good huh?" Steve smirked. Noticing that Bucky had eaten it all already, he said: "You can have some of mine if you're still hungry."

Bucky shook his head, "I'm stuffed, plus you need it more than I do."

Steve gave him a look of uncertainty. "Are you sure?"

Bucky slipped his hand over Steve's and squeezed it a little. "Positive."

That took Steve by surprise, Bucky was never one for gentle touches, it was always rough pats or playful shoves. Steve nodded a little, he wasn't sure if he was uncomfortable or what, but this was…different.

Bucky eventually fell asleep, Steve was supposed to be resting but he couldn't. He laid awake most of the morning, occasionally ordering the privates around and completing small tasks from inside his tent, like organizing ammo, or filling out supply paperwork. He felt like shit, but he couldn't bring himself to just do _nothing_.

Bucky was unfazed by most of it, never waking up, until he had to pee. "Drink water." He mumbled to Steve as he stretched awake, stumbling out of the tent to use the restroom. It was still freezing outside, but it had warmed up a little, and it was clear.

"How is he?" SSGT Brown asked as he walked by.

"He's fine. Temperature is down, he's just messing around with ammo and paper."

The staff sergeant laughed, "Well, I guess that's ok for now. You know Rogers, he's persistent when it comes to helping out."

Bucky sighed and nodded. "He doesn't know what 'rest' means." He went into the trees and admiring the scenery as he peed into a bush.

"Bucky."

The sergeant jumped and looked over his shoulder. "What are you doing out of your quarters?!"

"Just because I'm a super soldier doesn't mean I don't still have bodily functions." Steve laughed. "I thought you got bored of me."

Bucky heard a stream of liquid beside him. "I never get bored of you." He smiled. "How can I? You're always talking."

"Just because I talk doesn't mean I'm saying anything interesting." Steve countered. "Besides, don't I irritate you after a while?"

Bucky laughed. "I love you Steve."

Steve was taken off guard again. Usually it was 'so what?' or 'yeah but who cares?' Never 'I love you.' Steve thought that was an odd response. "Are you feeling ok?"

Bucky finished urinating and pulled his pants up. "Yeah, why?"

"You're acting weird."

"No I'm not." Was he? His heartrate spiked again. Steve was on to him, but Bucky wasn't sure what he was feeling yet. Maybe Steve would figure it out before he did.

Steve didn't want to argue, buckling his pants back up he sighed. "What did I do?"

Bucky looked at his friend's solemn face. "What? You think I'm mad at you or somethin'?"

"I don't know." Steve said hurriedly. "I don't know what's going on, just, never mind." Steve took off towards the quarters, but Bucky grabbed his hand. Steve whipped around and stared at his friend's hand holding his.

Bucky let him go and sighed. "Alright look, you scared me today. I just…I don't know. I don't want something to happen to you so if I'm acting weird, that's probably why."

Steve had scared him; Bucky was being clingy. _That's_ what was happening. Steve smiled at the thought of his friend caring so much about him. "You don't want me out of your sight, do you?"

Bucky shook his head. Steve thought this was unbelievably cute. Usually, it was Steve being clingy to Bucky, especially after getting beat up. Now it was reversed, and Bucky was the one who was scared. "Don't laugh at me."

"Why would I ever laugh at you." Steve asked him. "If you're just worried about me. Why didn't you just say that to begin with?"

Bucky looked at their feet. "I don't know." He had a very hard time expressing emotions. This was one of those times, but Bucky also knew this was more than being worried. His longing to be physically near him was frightening. The adrenaline that surged through him when Steve touched him or he touched Steve was equally so. He didn't know what was happening, but he did know that he wanted Steve beside him at all times.

The rest of the day Bucky spent organizing weapons and ordering his lower enlistees around, Steve had finally fallen asleep, now that it was warmer. Bucky woke him for lunch and dinner, but left him alone, checking on him every half hour. All the while, he talked to SSGT Brown about growing up with Steve. The staff sergeant listened, laughing, shaking his head and sometimes expressing concern as Bucky told the stories.

"You guys really were inseparable, huh?"

"Yes sir. Hardly a day went by where we weren't together. I'm glad he joined the Army, I was so miserable until he got here." Bucky shook his head. "It's like I can't function right without him."

SSGT Brown was quiet for a moment. "Sergeant, this is a real personal question, and you don't have to answer but…do you have feelings for Captain Rogers? If you do, that may explain why you don't feel right without him. I experience the same thing without my wife." He offered. "It's like brain fog."

Bucky froze. That's exactly how it felt, like brain fog. His mind raced around all the memories, the sound of Steve's voice, the way he walked, his manners, his personality, his smile. He settled on his eyes, his eyes coupled with those beautiful pink lips and long eyelashes. "I don't…" He swallowed hard, he felt weak, and his vision was starting to spin. "I don't know sir."

SSGT Brown put a hand on his shoulder, "That might be something to think about. You guys are so close I had always wondered, but in the Army and out in civilian life, you know how people get." He started. "If you do, I hope you know I don't judge you, my son is a queer, and I love him to death. If you ever need to talk, I'm a safe space, and I won't tell anyone. I see how people treat my boy and it disgusts me. I don't want the same for you."

Bucky felt tears burning in his eyes. "Thank you, Staff Sergeant. Thank you."

SSGT Brown patted him on the back, and the two got back to work. Bucky tried to convince himself that it wasn't a big deal, it was just a thought that he should reflect on. He tried to convince himself that he was normal, and that these weird emotions were due to the lack of sexual contact, but deep, deep down he knew, he just knew, he was falling in love with him.


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is rated T for fluff and some sexual content. Beware.**

Dinner time eventually rolled around, and Bucky felt like everything was in slow motion. He felt like a different person, in a different life. He had always been him, but at the realization of his feelings for his best friend, he felt like he had betrayed himself. He felt like he was betraying Steve also. It didn't make any sense. Why was this just coming out now? Why hadn't he felt this earlier? Did he seriously shove his feelings for Steve so far down that he had convinced himself that nothing was there?

Bucky had always had girls around, but for some reason, he could never make them stick. He was always more interested in hanging out with Steve than with them, but that didn't mean anything…or at least he thought it hadn't meant anything. Someone bumped into him, and apologized, Bucky mumbled something to the degree of, "it's fine." And stood in line for dinner.

He collected two plates, one for Steve and one for him, and started off towards the sleeping quarters.

"Sergeant Barnes! Colonel wants to see you!" Someone yelled.

Bucky turned to the guy behind him, one of his privates, and told him to deliver the food to Steve. He then gathered his nerves and headed off towards the officers tent, feeling the eyes of at least 60 people on him as he walked by. It was always the NCOs vs the Officers in the Army, but because of Bucky's behavior towards the colonel, the whole unit was going to get reprimanded, starting with him first. Swiftly walking into the tent, he met COL Jefferson. "Have a seat." He was ordered.

Bucky sat down quietly across the colonel, waiting to be yelled at, but instead a curious look spread over the man's face. "Sergeant, what is it you hope to accomplish with your time in the army?"

"Help win this war, go home, and get out." Bucky summed up.

"Why'd you join?"

"I had to do something with my life other than work." He told the officer.

The colonel nodded. "I'm at a loss on how to punish you, since Washington won't let me kick you out of here, so I want you to think real hard about it and give me an answer by the end of the week."

Bucky sat still for a moment. "Yes sir."

"Dismissed."

Bucky walked calmly out of the tent, meeting the eyes of the other officers and his lower enlistees.

"What'd he say?" Private Turner asked.

"He wants me to come up with a punishment since he's too lazy to think of one." Bucky scoffed.

LTC Miles sighed, "Good luck."

Bucky shook his head and spit on the ground as he headed towards Steve's sleeping quarters. His heart sped up with every step he took, until he saw Steve sitting, eating his food and fiddling with a tuft of wool sticking up from the blanket on his lap. He slowly relaxed at the sight of his friend.

"Everything ok? What did the colonel want?"

"Me to pick my own punishment." Bucky told him.

"Pick your own punishment?" Steve raised an eyebrow. "How do you do that?"

Sergeant Barnes shrugged and began eating his dinner.

Sensing his friend was upset, Steve scooted closer to him, letting their thighs touch. Bucky looked over at him for a second, admiring his eyelashes briefly as the soldier looked back down at his food. Bucky felt his head spinning again, it was getting cold, but the mix of the warmish food and Steve's body heat was making him sweat. He felt nauseous and stopped eating for a second, hoping it would go away. Unfortunately, the feeling didn't subside, and Bucky rushed outside the tent and vomited on the ground behind them.

"Buck!" Steve darted outside. "Are you alright?"

Bucky nodded, then retched again, knowing it was just his nerves from being in trouble with the colonel, and his newly discovered feelings for Steve. "I need some water." Steve rushed in, grabbed a canteen and rushed back out, watching his friend swish the water in his mouth and spit it out.

"Barnes!" A voice called. SSG Brown rushed over from somewhere in the tents surrounding them. "You getting sick?"

"I'm ok, sir." He said weakly, then heaved back over, vomiting again.

"I'll bet that Colonel poisoned his food!" PVT Turner called over. The other privates began talking worriedly amongst themselves.

"Ain't nobody poisoning nobody's food!" SSG Brown yelled back at them, "Now get back to work; lights out in 30."

Major Reed rushed up to them, "You alright Sergeant?"

Bucky couldn't answer as he was mid-heave.

The major sighed, "What am I gonna do with you two? You're exhausted," He turned to Steve, "and you're sick" he turned back to Bucky. "You two are some of the finest soldiers we have here, and I'm getting worried this cold is making you go downhill. Where you two from anyway?" 

"Brooklyn, sir." Steve answered. "I don't think it's the cold that's getting to him. I think it's that Colonel."

MAJ Reed nodded, "He's getting on all of our nerves, Rogers, but there's nothing we can do. He's in charge and we follow chain of command."

Steve was quiet for a minute, resting a hand on Bucky's back as his friend continued to get sick. "Can he sleep with me tonight?" He looked up at the Major.

The major looked at SSG Brown, the medical expert, "If it's alright with you, it's alright with me."

"I say fine, but y'all need to go to sleep at lights out, no staying up." The staff sergeant ordered.

"He needs rest, I need rest, we'll both be going to bed." Steve assured. "If the Nazi's attack tomorrow, I need to be ready."

The major nodded. "I'm glad you see it like that. Most boys your age would be up looking at pinups* and drinking."

Steve cracked a smirk. "Not me sir, I don't pay attention to those."

SSG Brown cleared his throat. "Both you need rest and water. He keeps throwing up like this in an hour, you come get me Captain. Neither of you worry about first formation in the morning, I'll fill you in, I just need you two to recover ASAP."

"Yes sir."

"Goodnight guys." MAJ Reed winked and set off with SSG Brown towards the rest of the camp.

Bucky finally felt his stomach settle a couple of dry heaves later. He slowly straightened up, rinsing his mouth out again. "Sorry you had to see that." His voice was thick.

"Don't be." Steve threw an arm around him and led him back into the sleeping quarters. He found an empty bucket and set it next to his friend, "Just in case."

Bucky nodded and laid down on his back wincing a little as his body settled into the thin padding below. He had no clue that he would get that sick over being around Steve. He was fine yesterday.

"Does anything hurt?" Steve asked him.

He shook his head a little. "What about you? How are you feeling?"

"Sore." Steve admitted, "but I'll be ok."

Bucky rolled over away from Steve, "I'm just tired, I think. It's been a long day."

Steve grabbed another blanket from the chest and threw it over his friend. "Get some sleep, we don't have to get up early. Did you hear him?"

Bucky nodded. "I hate feeling like we're being treated better than everyone else."

"Me too." Steve sighed, "but we need to be at 100%"

"So do they." Bucky argued. "Everyone does, that's the only way we win this thing."

Steve squeezed his shoulder for a second, something he didn't usually do, but he was trying to comfort his obviously a little distraught friend. He expected a protest, or for Bucky to shrug him off and tell him he was fine, but he heard nothing. Something was not right with him. Steve knew Bucky wasn't one to talk about his feelings, but he was determined to get something, _anything_ out of him that could be a clue to how he was really feeling. "What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on Buck, you know what I mean, I know you just got sick, but even before then you haven't been yourself." Steve sighed. "You said you were worried about me, and then went off and started avoiding me all night."

"I wasn't avoiding you."

"You won't even look me in the eyes." Steve was starting to sound hurt.

Bucky rolled over to face him, but Steve was right. He couldn't look him in the eyes, he was ashamed, confused, and now miserable. "I'm sorry." He stared at Steve's hands, wanting to hold them, wondering what they would feel like on his bare skin; on his back, his chest, his… Bucky blinked the thought away, curling into a tight ball to hide the reaction he was getting from the thought. "Can we just go to bed?"

Steve was quiet for a minute, but he wasn't ready to accept defeat just yet. "Fine, one more question."

Bucky sighed irritably. He just needed sleep.

"Why did you grab my hand today?"

"What?"

"You hate touching hands. You used to call me a queer when we were little because I wanted to hold hands with you." Steve explained. "What changed?"

Bucky could feel the burn of tears trying to come up, he clenched his jaw. "Nothing."

"You're lying."

"Goodnight Steve." Bucky rolled back over.

Steve wasn't upset by that answer, he'd gotten exactly what he was looking for. It had something to do with him. _He_ had somehow made Bucky upset in the last few hours. Now he just needed to know why. Did Bucky feel rejected by him somehow? Steve had been taken off guard when Bucky grabbed him, but he wasn't mad or grossed out by it. Was it that Steve had been asleep most of the day? Was Bucky just lonely?

The soldier turned the lamp off, laid down and covered himself with his Army blanket, he listened to Bucky breathing beside him, and tried to fall asleep. Steve thought back to their childhood days, the days where Bucky would walk him home from school after that kid Joseph 'Joey' would beat the shit out of him on the playground until he was bruised and bleeding. Sometimes, Steve would be crying, other times, Steve would be so angry he couldn't speak, or a bad word might come out of his mouth. He was terrified of swearing, he thought God might not let him into heaven if he did. He smiled remembering how he so bad wanted to hold Bucky's hand, he felt safe with Bucky, the same way he felt with his mom.

Bucky's father was abusive though, and he told him that if he ever saw him so much hug another boy he'd beat him. In high school, Bucky's father succumbed to a nasty case of pneumonia, and Steve went with his friend to his dad's funeral. His mom was a wreck, but Bucky didn't shed a tear. He just sat with his mom until it was over, and then took Steve to a bar to celebrate after. That's when Steve finally understood how much hatred for his father he had, and how it had consumed his friend up to that point. It was terrifying.

Soon, Bucky was snoring softly, and Steve felt himself drifting off also, content with the soothing noise next to him.

 _Bucky knew he was asleep, and he knew he was dreaming._

 _He didn't know where he was, and he didn't know why he was running._

 _He stopped dead in his tracks as soon as he heard her yell his name, was that his name or was it someone else's? It sounded familiar. He was in the middle of the road, cars were flying past him, but they looked, weird, they all looked shiny and they were really fast. They were all so…smooth shaped. Like they were made to be aerodynamic. Could they fly?_

 _He turned around and her eyes locked on his as she latched onto him with all her force, he tried to throw her off, but she persisted, twisting and turning, almost dancing as she grabbed his arms, she then leg swept him, and to his surprise he landed flat on his back. She climbed on top of him and held what looked like a dagger to his neck. "Who are you?"_

 _Bucky didn't know. He didn't know where he was or who he was. He dared not to move, as she had the advantage. "I don't know." He confessed. His mind was foggy, he had it on the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn't remember._

 _She looked skeptical at first, but then her eyes softened ever so slightly. Her long brown hair was in a high ponytail that leered over to the side as she tilted her head, trying to get a better look at his face. She was petite, probably only about 5'4, and by the weight on top of him possibly only about 110 pounds (50 kg). Her eyes were hazel, a mix of green and brown with flecks of gold near her pupils._

 _Bucky was then irritated, had he seriously just been taken down by_ this _little thing? How? "Who the hell are you?" He questioned back._

" _You've never heard of me?" She smiled, almost mischievously. That question seemed to please her._

 _Bucky was searching every database in his mind, he couldn't pull her up at all. They didn't tell him anything about her. Wait, who was they?_

" _Cypra Alise."_

Bucky shot up in a cold sweat, adrenaline coursing through his veins, he was ready to kill or be killed. "Alise." He muttered. Who the fuck was she? Where was she? Why was she trying to kill him? He stood up and grabbed his rifle. A light flickered on.

"Bucky. What's going on?" Steve sat up, he saw Bucky with the rifle and froze. "What are you doing with that?"

It slowly dawned on him that it had been a nightmare, he was actually at camp, in the sleeping quarters. It was below freezing, and it was quiet, except for the snores that rang out across the sleeping quarters. "Alise, Cypra." He said quietly to himself.

"What?" Steve wasn't sure what he was saying. "It's three in the morning."

"I thought she was going to kill me." He put the rifle down.

"Who?"

Bucky sat down, feeling like he just ran 2 miles in record time. "Nobody." No, she was somebody alright, and she was terrifying.

"I'm fine, get back to sleep." Bucky laid down sweating and shaking a little.

"Bucky," Steve began.

"Damnit Steve I said I was fine." Bucky snapped. 

Steve turned the lantern off and laid back down, he knew not to pry when Bucky cursed at him.

Neither of them slept the rest of the night.

Steve was upbeat the next day, having skipped first formation at 5 and getting a short nap in from 5 to 6 he felt rested and ready for the day's tasks. He quietly left Bucky asleep and made his way to the officer tent sitting down amongst his higher ups. He was in such a good mood that he was even ready for whatever nasty comment Col. Jefferson would surely make to him that morning.

The Colonel walked in and took a seat, orders from Washington in hand. "Rogers! Hope you're ready to put that tight little ass to work today, you're gonna be training the youngins on firearm safety for the next couple of days. Private Turner about shot my foot off."

Steve remembered Bucky scolding him for carrying the rifle like that the day before. "Yes sir, can't promise I can make them sharp shooters, but I can guarantee they'll be able to hit something useful by the end of the training."

The other officers laughed at the remark, and for the first time since he got here, he felt…confident.

"Well, you're awfully chipper this morning, sergeant Barnes must've given you a nice hand job last night. At least he's good for something." Col Jefferson blurted.

Steve's confidence shattered as quickly as it had come, and he then wished he could crawl into a hole and die. He was not at all prepared for that comment and was furious that the Col would say that about his friend.

Col Stewart must have seen Steve's face, "Cut that shit out Jefferson. We don't talk about queer activity in the Army, it's against the rules."

"I'm just teasing him." Jefferson winked, but Steve knew he wasn't just playing around. "He's got to get some hair on his chest. Can't be so sensitive all the time."

Steve sat perfectly still the rest of the meeting as they reviewed the orders from back home. He wished he could just go back to Brooklyn, him and Bucky and lay down on Bucky's bed. They could drink whiskey and play music, be loud and wrestle each other like they always did. Steve could read a book while Bucky looked at ladies in swimsuits in those gentleman's magazines. Bucky would fall asleep with the magazine on his face and Steve would carefully remove it and curl up beside him. He always fell asleep in a matter of minutes that way.

Even though Bucky was always making fun of queers, he never minded that Steve slept so close to him at night. Sometimes, if Steve was upset or sacred, like during a thunderstorm, he'd even allow his smaller friend to lay his head on his chest while bed wrap an arm around him. Steve remembered the sense of overwhelming comfort he felt those nights, and as he was thinking about it he began to calm down. He wanted Bucky to hold him like that again, he missed the warmth and gentle rhythm of Bucky's heartbeat.

Steve set out after his friend when the meeting concluded, he was ordered to start rifle training in the evening after everyone had gotten their basic tasks done. For now, he was ordered to rest, drink up, and recuperate some more. He was not allowed to do any heavy lifting for a few days, Washington's orders. They'd been told about the fallout and they wanted their soldier on his toes.

Steve made his way to his sleeping quarters, wondering if Bucky had woken up yet, it was still a little early, 6:15 and the sun had not yet rose. As he approached the tent he heard a noise. He thought Bucky might be having another nightmare, as he was grunting a little, but then he heard a soft sigh. Bucky was…masturbating. Steve stood totally still, he didn't dare make a sound. If he interrupted Bucky, he'd likely come out of the tent and beat him for sneaking up on him. It was better to just let him finish and then pretend he hadn't heard anything. A couple of minutes passed, and he could hear Bucky going at it even quicker; a few moments later he could hear the quiet moan of relief, "God, Steve."

Steve felt a rush of what he could only describe as acid-like burning seep to his face. He heart rate spiked and his breath caught in his throat. Did Bucky just say his name? Steve thought for a moment that he was hallucinating, there was no way Bucky would say his name while doing that. Bucky didn't work that way. Did he? Steve felt something odd and pulled at his uniform pants. Looking down, he realized he was erect. This was the first time he'd experienced this since the serum…and it _hurt_. Doctor Erskine had warned him that it would be painful the first few times, but this was not what he expected. Steve was equally horrified at the fact that he was even erect in the first place. What on earth had triggered that? Steve could hear Bucky moving, like he was getting up. The super soldier ran. And he ran as fast as he could, past the tents, and into the woods behind the camp. He just wanted to disappear.

Steve hid, for 30 minutes he hid, heart racing, mind spinning. Tears welled in his eyes as he began to understand why Bucky had been avoiding him, why he had been acting funny, and why he didn't want to talk about it. All in a day, his whole friendship with Bucky had been changed in 1 day. He was hurt that Bucky hadn't been telling him the truth all these years. But at the same time, Steve had been lying too. He'd been lying to Bucky his whole life about the way he felt, mostly because his attraction to both boys _and_ girls often left him confused and the word 'queer' was both derogatory and misleading. He wasn't sure _what_ he was. He felt like a freak of some kind.

When his nerves had calmed, he emerged from the brush, wondering when he should confront Bucky about this. He returned to the quarters, finding his breakfast and coffee, but no Bucky. Had his friend heard him? Steve felt his blood pressure spike as he sat down and began eating. What if Bucky hated him?

A few minutes later though, he could hear his friend's voice approaching the tent, Steve prepared for the worst but was greeted with a smile and a happy "Morning." Bucky entered with his breakfast in hand.

Blue eyes met green and Steve blushed, for the first time in front of his friend (at least in broad daylight that was) and there was no stopping it. "Morning." He looked down at his food, scolding himself. He was a full-grown man, the world's first super soldier at that, and here he was, blushing like a little girl.

"Are you ok, you're kind of red."

"It's the cold air," Steve lied.

"Okay," Bucky said slowly and sat down with his plate of food.

"You didn't want to eat with the guys?" Steve asked.

"Nah, they're talking about stupid shit." Bucky shoveled grits in his mouth.

"I talk about stupid stuff too."

Bucky shook his head. "I like hearing you talk."

Steve blushed again, was he hitting on him or did he mean it platonically? The two ate in silence again, each lost in their own thoughts. Steve knew this was the perfect time to confront him, but he just couldn't, he was scared.

Bucky sighed, "Look, I'm sorry for being an asshole last night, you didn't do anything wrong. I think I was just tired. Still kind of am."

Steve met his eyes again, and a feverish heat came over him, he put his food down and scooted closer to his friend. "If you want, you can get some sleep today, I'll take over for you."

Bucky was nervous, being this close to him, it was like his first date with Steve, or what he considered to be their first date. He was fifteen, Steve fourteen; it was 1933, he remembered how cold his hands got, and how Steve was so excited to see a movie in an actual theatre. Bucky was nauseous the whole time, and for years he never could understand why, now he did. "I'll make it." He said quietly, assuring his friend that he was okay.

Steve put a hand on Bucky's shoulder, "I know, but you don't have to 'make it' alone anymore. I'm here now."

Steve couldn't recall exactly what happened after that, he was admiring the green in Bucky's eyes, all the tiredness and dedication his friend had stored in them, he felt warmth on his leg, then the back of his head, and then his lips. They were kissing, gently pulling and pushing and all of everything they both had buried 10 feet for all those years came up in one second. The fear, the anger, the comfort, and most importantly love. Steve loved him and he knew it was mutual.

Bucky broke the kiss gently. "I'm sorry." He choked out, he was crying.

Steve felt tears fall to his cheeks too, "Why? Why are you sorry?"

"I lied to you for so long." Bucky wiped his eyes.

"I did too."

They sat in silence again, each mourning those early years when they should have just been honest with each other. Instead they let society, and Bucky's dad, bully them into silence. It could've destroyed their friendship, and at times, Steve could see how it almost had.

Steve slipped a hand into Bucky's and held it, something he always wanted to do. He smiled a little as he felt Bucky squeeze it, finally, in affirmation, and in acknowledgement. Steve knew coming to terms with this was difficult for him. Bucky used to pride himself on the number of women he kissed or slept with, all of that, just to hide from _this_. Steve stroked his thumb gently, trying to comfort the obvious turmoil his friend was experiencing.

"I don't know how to do this." Bucky confessed.

"Do what?"

"Us." He looked over at Steve, eyes red.

"There's no 'way' to do it." Steve told him. "We are who we are."

"We can't tell anyone." Bucky shook his head. "We can't…kiss, or-."

"Not in front of people, no." Steve agreed. "But when it's just us…"

"Even then, these tents are paper thin." Bucky continued. "We'd have to be really quiet. If America found out their super soldier was doing this, the whole country would-"

"-I know." Steve nodded and sighed, he didn't need to be told. "It wouldn't be pretty."

"How are we going to make this work?"

"Do you even _want_ to be with me?" Steve asked him. "Or are you just acknowledging this and moving on?"

Bucky looked at him, and then looked down. "I want to be with you…if that's ok…"

Steve thought never in his life would he hear those words, a huge smile broke out of him. "Of course it's ok. It's more than ok."

Bucky looked at the time; at 7:33 am, on Wednesday, November the 15th, 1944 he became Steve's boyfriend. He burned it into his mind, into his subconscious, he would never forget this day, or this very moment.

He felt Steve shift next to him and he pulled the younger man into another kiss, enjoying his lips and feeling his hand slide up his leg a little. As their kissing intensified, they heard footsteps towards the tent. Bucky shoved Steve away from him and the two men moved further apart. SSG Brown stuck his head in and asked for Bucky's help with the enlistees. Bucky nodded and stood, slapping Steve on the back before he left.

The staff sergeant put an arm around Bucky, "Did you tell him?"

Bucky smiled sheepishly as they walked, "Something like that."


End file.
